When Love and Hate Collide

(Picking up the pieces from my past.Jan 24, 2013) She was discharged from her latest placement on January 7 2013 after being admitted October 18 2012. This time I admit to not feeling comfortable or safe with her in my home. I have again opened my home to young one, making it quite clear there is zero tolerance and no room for abusive behavior. Young one is my daughter and always will be, my relationship with young one can in fact be repaired with time, but there comes a time when one can no longer deal with the abuse and explosive behavior. Abuse is why I left my past relationships; I never dreamed I would be abused by my own child, I pray we never have to live it again and that this time will be different…

Funny how quickly your world and everything in it is deflated like a helium balloon caught in the crossfire of innocent play. Last night I endured another round of vicious threats and a savage beating from my daughter. We seen all the warning signs of her behavior slipping for the last 2 ½ weeks. Reminding her that she had agreed to fly the straight and narrow wasn’t fazing her any longer, constantly picking fights, profanity, in your face testing boundaries, defiant on every level.

Last night was a deliberate attack on what feelings I had left for her.

The pain I feel is intense, not because the bruises on my arms could be mistaken for sleeves from a shirt, or from the chunk of flesh missing from my left breast –the results after she tore into me with her teeth- No, my pain is from my heart, My heart is bleeding and I do not know how to make it stop, I love her and at the same time I hate her. I am so sick of the abuse, walking on egg-shells around my own house, not being able to go in public or other family member’s houses for fear she will act out and cause a scene.

After screaming at the top of her lungs how she was going to kill me and how much she wanted to see me bleed she was handcuffed, arrested and hauled off to a detention center. Although I am saddened by this I am also hopeful she will finally get the help she needs, at the very least I will be able to live without fear even if it is just temporary.



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